Accountability is my biggest obstacle

Today is going to be the start of consistent "Weekly Weigh-in" posts in an effort to stay more accountable and provide support to others who are needing it! So without further adieu...

189.0 

My-Oh-My really?! I can't believe I allowed myself to gain back so much weight.  I guess I can't beat myself up, or blame anyone but myself for this. The only thing I can do is pick myself up and getting moving. 

My life is slowly moving into a new normal routine. I have the girls every other week. I have moved in with a wonderful man and we are attempting to make a new normal for everyone. 

Overcoming my excuses has always been an obstacle for myself. One of my most recent excuse is that it's hard to form a fitness routine around every other week having the kids and their busy lives. But, like I have said in the past it is only an excuse and there are no excuses that should prevent me from losing weight. 

It is time for me to be accountable and overcome this huge obstacle in my life. Accountability is so tough especially when it seems so easy to pass blame onto any number of excuses in our lives.  

I love to eat. I love to bake. I love Fish Fry Friday. I love the comfort of curling up with a bag of chips and a good movie.  What I do not love is how out of shape I feel. How gross I feel when I look in the mirror or touch my body. I miss how sexy I felt 30 pounds lighter. I want the amazing feels back.

I guess I better walk my way back..  I woke up a little early this morning. Did a 2  mile WATP dvd. My FitBit says I only 1.36 miles but I did something. At lunch today I headed over to the lake and did a short 1.69 mile walk. I hope to get another 2 mile WATP dvd in tonight before bed. Baby steps but steps. 

Crock Pot Cheeseburgers

This is one of the messiest, ugliest but oh so good yummy delicious thing I have ever made.

For anyone who loves McDonald Cheeseburgers but can't eat the calories or you just want to know what you are eating. Here is my version of it. We aren't talking the lowest in calories, only saying it is lower in calories then the real deal.

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 lb lean ground beef (96/4 recommended)
• 1/4 teaspoon Garlic Salt 
• 1/2 teaspoon Black Pepper
• 2 Tablespoons Skim Milk
• 1 C. Chopped Onion
• 2 Cloves of Garlic
• 1 Tablespoon Prepared Mustard
• 1 Tablespoon Dill Relish
• 8 oz. Velveeta Light Cheese (chopped into bite sizes)

Instructions:

1. Brown ground beef in skillet and strain if needed. 
2. Spray Crock Pot with cooking spray and line bottom with cooked ground beef. 
3. Add garlic salt, black pepper and skim milk
4. Add onion and garlic 
5. Add relish and velveeta cheese
6. Mix
7. Cover and cook on high for 2-3 hours or on low until cheese melts. 

Serve on a bun or sandwich thin. Top with fixings of your liking but don't forget to add those calories to total. 

10 (1/3 C.) servings at prox. 181 calories per serving plus bun/fixings calories

How I plan to calorie count my way back to my goal weight.

In this post, I'm going to layout my CICO plan. First off that's define CICO. CICO stands for calories in vs. calories out. Basic idea is that you burn more then you eat. This method worked for me before and I am hoping it will work for me again. Now as we all know everybody is different, and what works for me may not work for others; and what works for others may not work for me. I am not here to tell anyone how to do things, because I don't know you! I think it's important that each person finds what works for themselves. 

I want to start by saying that I don't have any set of "rules" that I follow. By taking away rules, I feel much less pressure. I'm not following a particular "program" or anyone else's guidelines. I typically just make stuff up as I go along, and learn from my mistakes.

We have all heard it before; "You must count calories to lose weight." Track everything you eat and all the calories you burn and if you have a deficit you did good for the day. I am currently using two apps. One for food tracking and one for fitness tracking. Both are synced up together and both offer tools I enjoy having and rely on. I started using the My Fitness Pal (MFP) app years ago and really enjoy it. The first thing I like about it is that it has a built in barcode scanner which is nice for recording food. The other feature I like about it is that I can access the calories for most if not all restaurants or fast food locations right from my phone before I eat the item and regret it later. The other app I enjoy using is my Fitbit Dashboard App. This tool is great for tracking my daily activity. It has the ability to track my sleeping patterns also but I just can't sleep with a watch on and am afraid to know how little I actually sleep. 

So you probably want to know how many calories I plan on eating a day? Here is where that science comes in. I believe that if you take Your Resting Metabolic Rate or  RMR  and subtract your consumption calories you will get your basic daily calories. Hopefully that number will reflect that you have a calorie deficiency. Now science says that it takes 3500 calories burnt to equal one pound of burned fat. My plan is to losing 2 pounds a week so I need to have a 7000 calorie deficiency at the end of the week. Here is my basic math:

RMR = 1708 Calories per day
Calories In = 1200 Calories per day
------------ 508 calorie deficit 

The goal is to be at 1000 each day so that I can reach the 7000 by the end of the week. This math then is telling me I need to burn (calories out) an additional 492 calories each day in some form of fitness. 

There are a lot of fitness articles that will tell you that you should eat your fitness calories or calories out as I call them. I do not believe in this. I believe that you need to make sure you consume or that your calories in are good calories that will keep your body fueled. But, I also believe that if you are hungry then you need to eat more. 

Now the fat girl that I am says that you need to have a high calorie day.. aka cheat day. I don't like to call it a cheat day.. I look at it more as a be reasonable and smart but don't stress the calories out. An example of this would be.. eat your normal healthy breakfast, healthy normal snacks, reasonable and normal lunch or dinner. Allow yourself to splurg on one of those two though. If you eat pizza have three small slices. Don't stress the 1100 calories when your normal dinner is 500 calories. That also means thought that you shouldn't eat the whole large. It's all about finding balance.  

I don't want to and don't plan on tracking all the macro nutrients like carbs, protein, sugar etc.. I want to keep things simple. This should help me from stressing and getting overwhelmed. My apps both track those things and there if I want to see them but really as long as my body feels fueled it will tell me if I need something else or less of something. The one thing I have found out is that there are more calories in fruits and veggies then I would like. I do plan however to track them even though I strongly feel they should be free.. By not tracking them I am only cheating myself. My Fitness Pal has an awesome recipe tracker on the app! When I'm cooking, I can literally just scan the barcode of ingredients and build the recipe right there on the app. Then it's saved for the next time I make the recipe, too. You can even import recipes from websites and swap out ingredients if you change things up. It's a really great tool!

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I think that pretty much sums it up! I can't stress enough that it really helps to experiment to find what works for YOU. Try making your own rules and change them around until they fit for YOU. I think the approach I'm taking is very similar to intuitive eating--I'm eating what I want, I'm listening to my hunger cues, I'm not following any "rules"--only I happen to log my food and track the calories, so I can keep myself from getting out of hand.

I also want to make it clear that I am not trying to tell anyone at all how they should or shouldn't eat.  As I always say, find what works for you--something you can do for the long haul--and do that.  I'm not a doctor or scientist or nutritionist, or anything like that. I am just trying to keep it simple and something I can do for the long haul. 

Running from the bogeyman.

I wanna take you way way way back to 2013.. okay not really all that long ago but who doesn't like a dramatic opener to set the mood?!

It was the summer of 2013. I had just started out running around one of our local lakes. The lake path is almost a full 7 mile paved run. Beautiful run with only a couple distractions and obstacles along the way.  I liked to start in the same spot and knew the ins and out of the path pretty well. I knew where I could sit a minute and take a breath. I knew where I go stop and get a drink. I knew where I could pull out a wedgie without anyone noticing. I also knew where all the spooky and maybe a little creepy spots were. I loved this path. I jogged it every day.

Ever since I was a little girl watching Silence of the Lambs I have been fascinated with true crime shows and books. I don't know what it is about them; I guess I get lost in the thought that these sick people do some many horrible, unthinkable things to people and get away with it. Heck I can't pee alone in my house without someone finding me; but that's another blog another day.

This one particle day in June I was reading about this serial killer who was killing joggers and some how there bodies were missing for days, even months. Let's just say not a good read when you run alone either early in the morning or late into the evening. See I live in a "safe" town. Nothing happens here.. I mean nothing.. so nothing like this would ever happen here... right?!

Just like all serious runners I had all the latest gear. I had Nike run trackers. I had HR monitors. I carried my cell phone with running gps apps. You name it; I owned it. That evening I decided to go out on my daily jog. I started off with a good pace from my normal spot. It would be 2 miles before I would see anyone I knew. I stopped (big pet peeve of mine but what are you suppose to do) to visit for a couple minutes then continued on my way. At around mile marker 4 I started to think about the story I read that morning. I started thinking about my beautiful 7 mile run and what dangerous spots we have along the path. At mile marker 2 there is a 1/2 mile stretch of a beautiful shaded path. Very private and well now thinking maybe dangerous. Then at mile marker 5 the path runs along state forest land. Thick woods on one side and quiet street on the other.

I got to thinking this area is coming up and it would be the perfect place to grab someone. You guessed it.. fear set in. I got to thinking about how I would solve my own murder. By now my feet are really moving.. along with my heart rate. I think about the people I stopped to visit with. They would tell police that they saw me at approximately such in such time. I thought if abductor took me and I still had my shoes on - they would find my body because I had my Nike trackers on and clearly someone would think to check my last gps point; right? I turn my music up louder hoping to drown out my thoughts with some "single ladies" and the thumping of my heart beat. I make my way to mile marker 6 and think to myself - I am safe. I made it. I can slow down now.. I take a deep breath and can feel my heart rate slowing back down to normal. Then... tap tap tap.. out of nowhere a friend catches up with me and taps me on the shoulder. I don't think I have ever screamed so loud in my whole life. I am sure I scared off any future bogeymen at the same time breaking my personal best run time.

Moral of the story either run with a partner or do not read crime stories before an evening run in the woods.

Need To Reboot

I am 3 days into my week 1 new me, life style change.. aka diet restart. I am pretty sure this is my millionth time starting over. Now that the slowest winter appears to be behind us; it's time to reboot and once again find my inner thin (thinner) me.

With shorts and tank-top weather right around the corner, choices made during cold-weather months are starting to come to light. Were you "good" this winter? Did you stay consistent in your training? Was your diet on track?

I didn't think so.

Look, we're only human. We're fallible, and we burn out. It's not normal for us to find joy in eating out of containers and gagging down chicken all the time. Our training routine gets boring, and one day missed at the gym due to a scheduling conflict suddenly becomes one month missed. Let's say it.. sometimes you physically and emotionally need a break from training and measuring out your food. I get it.. me too.. and did. 

Your clothes are tighter, you're sluggish, and you've got a case of the "I don't wannas" or, even worse, the never-ending cycle of "I'll start over tomorrows." But tomorrow hasn't come yet, has it? Months of snuggling on the couch with a warm blanket and hot cup of cocoa—and pizza ordered in—are probably starting to show.

Summer's going to be here before you know it. What's your plan? Do you even have one? It's time to reboot. Let yourself off the hook for all your past mistakes. It's okay. We have all been there. You need to setup a plan. There are a million + diets, fitness workouts, gyms, magic pills, etc.. You need to find a plan that works for you. Start with something small like I plan on starting my couch to 5k again today or something like that. Make sure to practice self-forgiveness along the way. Your numbers will rebound with time. 

The real benefit is that you'll feel better, sleep better, have a more positive outlook, and genuinely feel more like yourself. Pushing yourself for those first few days is all you need to find yourself back on track and moving ahead at a comfortable speed. Just believe in yourself. Now get to it!

Two-Piece vs. Granny

As I look outside to the snow falling onto the frozen ground I can't help but think no dream and hope that summer will once again come.

Two summers ago I was at my lowest weight post kids. I was at 152 pounds and feeling sexy and happy with all my hard work. Now here I am back up to 192 pounds and all I see in the mirror is a fat depressed girl.

My boyfriend; bless his heart is so kind to me. He tells me all the time how sexy and beautiful I am. He almost had me talked into a two piece swimsuit.

But lets face it a woman my size should not be seen on the beach in anything less then a tent.
I have short chunky trunk legs. I have huge love handles. I have a bloated pregnant looking tummy with a front butt lower tummy. I have jiggly arms. I have bad skin. I get shave bumps, back of leg acne and am white as white can get. There isn't anything about me that should be in anything less then jeans and a hoodie all summer long.

So what is the right type of swim suit for this type of body type? Am I descended to wear an over sized "mom/granny" suit forever?

Buffalo Chicken Wraps

I decided to try making a buffalo chicken dish for dinner that would have the same flavor that I was craving, but not so much of a caloric nightmare. I ended up making a super easy crockpot chicken that was so good!

I cooked two pounds of chicken breasts in the crockpot (cover with water, cook on high for 3-4 hours until the chicken is tender). I threw the chicken (discarding the water that it was cooked in) into my mixing bowl for my mixer, and mixed it on low for about 30 seconds until the chicken was shredded. Then I added 1/2 cup water, 3 Tbsp. ranch dressing mix, and 1/2 cup Frank's Red Hot sauce.

I wrapped some in tortillas for E, but I made lettuce wraps for myself, and they were phenomenal. Definitely crushed that craving for wings!

Probably good with blue cheese, too, but I prefer ranch with my buffalo chicken. I had leftovers for lunch today.

Stuffed Zucchini Boats

You asked; so here it is.. My version of Stuffed Zucchini Boats. 

Because we live in northern Michigan and venison is so popular I have made up several recipes using it. My family loves venison. I am sure you could switch it with any meat your family enjoys. 

Ingredients:

4 medium zucchini

1 pound sausage (I use venison/pork sausage), browned

2 tablespoons butter

1 medium onion

1 clove garlic, very finely chopped

1 can diced tomatoes, drained

1 can corn (I use southern style), drained

1 cup finely shredded mozzarella cheese

Salt and pepper

Preparation:

Preheat the oven to 375°F and coat a shallow baking pan with nonstick spray.

Trim the ends from the zucchini and halve them lengthwise. Using a melon baller, hollow out each half leaving a wall of 1/4-inch or less on the sides and bottom. Reserve the pulp.

Season the zucchini halves with salt and pepper, arrange them on the prepared baking sheet and bake until softened, 6 to 8 minutes. Remove from the oven and set aside.

Roughly chop the reserved zucchini pulp and set aside.

Heat the butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the onion and sauté until soft and translucent, 5 to 6 minutes. Add the garlic and continue cooking for 1 minute longer, then add the chopped zucchini.

Season the mixture with salt and pepper and continue cooking until the zucchini is tender and the entire mixture is lightly caramelized, 3 to 4 minutes longer. Stir in the tomatoes and corn and cook for 1 minute longer.

Divide the zucchini-onion mixture between the hollowed "boats," and top each with about 1/4 cup of shredded cheese.

Bake for an additional 8 to 10 minutes, or until the "boats" are tender when pierced with a knife and the cheese is melted and golden.

Makes 4 servings (2 halves each)

Negative Calorie Foods

Lets talk this morning about negative calorie foods. Have you ever heard the theory that certain foods have a negative caloric effect, meaning they burn more calories during the digestive process than they contribute?  For any of you that read fitness or health blogs this term is something you are very familiar with. For those of you who are just starting out you are probably as confused as I was when I first heard the term. I have always been a huge believer in the calorie counting method of losing weight and when I am successfully losing weight each little calorie is golden. As you can imagine then for a calorie counter such as myself the thought of negative calories is very intriguing. I did some research and this is what I found. According to health.com "Negative calorie foods, which burn more fat and calories than they contribute, are a myth." Well, shoot that just took the wind out of my sails. But wait; lets not get discouraged yet and lets read on. The author goes on to say that these foods may not be negative but they are pretty darn close to it. Okay; I like that.. So what foods are they referring to? Can I make anything worth eating out of them? The answer is yes.. Yes you can. Here is the list I found along with a couple must try recipes. 

Fruits 

apple 
cranberries 
grapefruit 
lemon 
mango 
orange 
pineapple 
raspberries 
strawberries 
tangerine 

Vegetables 

asparagus 
beet 
broccoli 
cabbage (green) 
carrot 
cauliflower 
celery 
Chile peppers (hot) 
cucumber 
dandelion 
endive 
garden cress 
garlic 
green beans 
lettuce 
onion 
papaya 
radishes 
spinach 
turnip
zucchini

First recipe that I love, love, love is the Weight Watchers Zero Point Soup aka Cabbage Soup. Here is a link to recipe along with nutritional information. 

Another one of my favorites is Zero Calorie Red Roasted Carrots. Not a meal but a great side.

Now lastly, we all deserve some dessert from time to time.. Here is my go to Zero Calorie Crust-less Apple Pie. 


Although foods such as celery, lettuce and cucumbers may have negligible calories, make no mistake, they still count towards a day's worth of calories. Lets face it every calorie is golden when you are trying to lose weight so why not spend them wisely. Enjoy!

Easy Chicken Stir Fry

As with most of my recipes I like to keep things simple and try to use ingredients a "normal" person can find in there local store on any day of the year.

First let's talk sauce. I wanted a sauce that was not over sweet nor spicy. This one seems to have a happy medium.

INGREDIENTS:

For the Sauce

2-3 tablespoons cornstarch

1/4 cup brown sugar, packed

1/4 teaspoon ground ginger (or a bit of fresh minced ginger)

2 cloves garlic, minced

1/2 cup soy sauce or 1/2 cup tamari soy sauce

1/4 cup cider vinegar or 1/4 cup white vinegar

1/2 cup water

1 1/2 cups chicken broth

Additional

1 bag stir fry ready veggies

1 bag chicken breast

DIRECTIONS:

Combine all ingredients in a large glass jar with a lid. Screw lid on. Shake well.
Can store leftover sauce in fridge up to 2 weeks. Shake well before using.

Next cook up your veggies and meat. I like to use a full bag of frozen stir fry ready veggies.  


I also like to use full package of Tyson Frilled & Ready Fajita chicken.  


To use sauce: stir fry your vegetables and meat as desired, add appropriate amount of sauce, bring to a boil, boil for 1 minute or until slightly thickened.

Serve & enjoy!!! 

*I found that it made up 5 servings. Each serving was about 214 calories according to my calorie journal. 

Putting Myself Out There

“Hi, my name is Melody, and I’m divorced.”  That’s pretty much how it feels to share this part of my life with people.  I might as well wear a big red ‘D’ on my shirt.  What happened?  Really bad question to ask a divorced or divorcing person, by the way. The D-word had never even crossed my mind, and literally one day I woke up and realized that I did not know who he was, I did not know who I was, and I had no idea how we had gotten to that place.  Once the divorce was finalized I felt like a newborn.  I had to learn how to walk, talk, feel, exist on my own again.

I will never speak ill of my ex here on the site because what happened between us is private but I will say that the end of our marriage was a long time coming. It was not anything as clear-cut as someone cheating or someone having a sudden change of heart.  We had some problems, sure, we fought occasionally like a normal couple. But what ultimately broke us apart were a series of small things that festered for YEARS.  It is amazing how long denial will carry you, how long you can tell yourself, “We love each other, it will work itself out.”  Very few things in marriage work themselves out.  You ladies know – marriage is work.  If you are not actively working on your issues, they can start to rot. In marriage, the little things matter and some little things don’t matter at all.  A hug at the right moment, a text message to have a great day, listening to me when I’m upset, doing the dishes without my asking – those things all make my heart swell in a way that makes me proud to be married to my husband.  Balled-up socks, tracking dirt in the house, letting the trash overflow before it goes out – those things are unimportant.  Nitpicking my husband needlessly distances us from each other.  My failed marriage taught me a lot about what I really need from another person and what I need to let GO. “Everything happens for a reason” is bullshit.  This is a tricky one because I am in a really good place in life right now, so in a way my divorce got me to where I am today.  But to say that all this had to happen to me – that I HAD to lose half of my friends and most of my belongings, that I HAD to leave my home behind, that I HAD to have my self-concept shattered to pieces before I could be the person in the place I am now… I don’t buy it.  My divorce did not happen because of anything cosmic or supernatural, it just happened because it happened, and it sucked, and I learned from it, and it’s better now. So when it was officially over I did not need to go through a mourning process because I think I had already been through that a while ago. I did, however, struggle with feeling like being a single mom is not what I pictured for my life. I mean, I’m sure everyone that gets married thinks you’ll be with that person for life and if you decide to have kids you’ll raise them together. Letting go of the picture I had in my head for how I wanted my life to be was one of the hardest things I have gone through this year. And I still struggle with this sometimes.

Even before our divorce was final I was thrust into a state of transition. I sold him our family home and then I had to watch my kids go "home" to a home that was not mine with them. I am renting a home that makes me very unhappy because it does not feel like mine. I have nights that I stare at the colorless walls feeling very much like them colorless. You can’t commit to someone else until you are fully committed to yourself.  This is not so much about loving yourself (though that’s good) or feeling good about yourself (that’s good too), it’s about knowing and being true to yourself.  The fallout from my divorce left me broken as a person.  It’s cheesy, but I always think of it like I was a piece of pottery that got knocked onto the floor.  The process of healing from my breakup has been slow and it takes time to glue those pieces back together.  The most reassuring thing about it is that when it is done, I will look basically the same as I had before but I will be a much stronger version of who I was.  My core values and beliefs are incredibly important to me, and there are certain qualities in a significant other that I am simply not willing to put up with.  At the same time, I’m not perfect.  

I have gain 30 pounds this year. Yes, 30. I haven’t figured out how to fit exercise in as a single mom and gained a lot of the weight while going through the divorce. Even though the divorce is done and I'm moving on, my weight gain is really getting me down. Big time.

I also recently decided to gently put myself out there dating again and it’s bringing out insecurities I did not even know I had. Like, if someone finds out my full name and Googles me, they will right away read all my pieces here on my blog, and I have written about some very personal topics; like my struggle with overeating. Do you think I am just going to scare people away right off the bat? And what about my weight? I feel like no one will be attracted to me physically because of my weight gain this year.

I’ve been through so much in 2014 & 2015 but I do feel like I’m finding my true self again. And despite all of the trials of the year, it feels really good to be more authentically myself.